I am in Germany visiting friends and going through my things that have been stored here since i left Hungary. It has not been an easy time because i have to get rid of many things that are precious to me. It is not my decision, but one that has been forced upon me.
i have many old journals, in which i write my life events, thoughts, dreams and things that come from my imagination, but unfortunately i cannot carry it all back to the U.S. and i cannot ship all of it because i lack the funds.
In my things are a some of my favourite books, a stamp collection from my mother, clothes and other items that i have collected in the past 15 to 20 years of living in the world. Why 20 years? Before that all things were lost, due to a fire in the home and theft from former flatmates, so i have nothing remaining from my childhood.
People are adamant about me throwing it away; they think i cling to the past, but i disagree. i have resolved most things from the past, although as we all have, i too have some things that follow me and perhaps will until i die. It is a continual process and i am trying to press forward to the future.
But at this time in my life, i am not so happy about leaving my old friends, my things, because they cannot hurt me and make me feel alone. In fact, those things keep me a little more grounded in this life. i am constantly moving and sometimes i feel as though i will leave and no one will notice that i was even here.
i know i cannot take these things with me when i die, but while i am here, while i am breathing, i wish to keep them near me. These things are mine and i do not have much to call mine.
Does anyone understand me? Or i am really alone in this world, alone as i feel at this time?
Luckily, time does continually move forward, as will my feelings.
more to come…